I Said, I Have Labored to No Purpose

"Listen to me, you islands; hear this, you distant nations: Before I was born the LORD called me; from my birth he has made mention of my name.... He said to me, 'You are my servant, Israel, in whom I will display my splendor.' But I said, 'I have labored to no purpose; I have spent my strength in vain and for nothing. Yet what is due me is in the LORD's hand, and my reward is with my God." Isaiah 49:1, 3-4

Praises
- Servant Partners Community Night on 11.04.06:
* there were many more people than expected that night – donors, Servant Partners staff, board members, friends of the organization, all the interns
* we were given a snapshot of Servant Partners’ first 13 years and how God is working through SP in Los Angeles, Pomona, Northwest Pasadena, Lincoln Heights, Bangkok, Mexico City, Northeast Africa, North Africa, Manila, India, Nairobi, the Middle East, are preparing to send full time missionaries to Brazil, Honduras, and are prayerfully considering starting new sites in New York or Boston. What God is doing through Servant Partners is so much bigger than the internship I’m a part of!
* I got to meet Ingrid in person for the first time, a sister in Christ who is also involved with urban ministry in South L.A., but with World Impact
* The Lincoln Heights Servant Partners church plant will officially be meeting as a house church beginning in January (this is where my mom lived and went to school when she first came to L.A. as a teenager!).
- Jen and Beth both have full time jobs!
- Molly has been at a temp job that will last until December at least.
- God has been providing Karen with transportation to work and back
- The 10 minute devotional I gave many Sundays ago (on Philippians 3 – everything being rubbish compared to knowing Jesus) turned out to be a blessing, though I was grieving to the point of weeping that morning because of how I am not living this out
- There is light at last regarding work

I confess that I am a mess
- This Thanksgiving break has been a blessed time with family and friends, but has also been bittersweet because I am getting caught up in the need to spend money during Christmas (especially since I have a full time job), and to strive to show many people in my life that I care about them, that they are appreciated, to the point of being overwhelmed, feeling sick- I am battling with feelings of loneliness (especially in regard to the community and ministry that once was my life at the Garden), frequent joylessness, fearing work consuming me again
- I am battling discouragement regarding how much I still have to learn to be a responsible adult, and good steward of the time, money, relationships, that God has given me
- I am having trouble accepting my limitations, especially my failure at keeping in touch with people who have written me emails, called and left messages for me to call them back, the friends who are overseas or not in L.A. that I’ve failed to keep in touch with
- Work
* Only about two weeks ago, I was on the verge of leaving this job that seemed to be consuming me, and seemed to be a hindrance to being fully present in my household, internship, neighborhood
* There has been slow progress, but progress nevertheless… there are two older Christians at work who have been there awhile that have prayed with me and encouraged me… I was given my three month review by my supervisor and his boss last week, and somehow got a far more amazing review than I could’ve hoped for… the things that my bosses see in me could have only been shown to them by God because the way I’ve been feeling does not match up with what they’ve witnessed. God constantly crafts something in us that reflects His glory even when we feel we’re utterly failing
* I’ve been praying about whether this job is really where God wants me to be, and am seeing that sometimes God gives us the freedom to choose and doesn’t give us a clear answer about one choice being wrong and the other being right
- It is hard for me to rest, and to take seriously our need for Sabbath rest each week because this did not happen during my time in college- God spoke through various people in the past two weeks about me carrying much guilt, anxiety (both of which are life-long root issues that need to be healed), and how I place all these pressures upon myself to be constantly productive (whether in my relationships, at work, outside of work, with God), and to prove to others that I care about them rather than being content with who I am being enough
- I often question whether I made the right decision in choosing to do this internship and live away from home, where difficult things are happening

Community
- My Servant Partners community is one that amazes me and is a richer glimpse of God’s kingdom than I’ve ever known before
- I have been lavished with unrelenting care that I am not used to… particularly through my household and several other interns. There were many nights when I left work late again, wanted to run away and hide from the world… came home wholly exhausted, and my roomies loved me by making my bed, folding my pajamas, leaving me notes. My sisters in Christ have been patiently listening, praying with and for me, speaking words that have been hard to hear but I’ve needed to hear. Even in my shame, I can be honest and know that God is building us up for life as we all do this internship together

My family
- My parents celebrated their 26th year of marriage on October 22! Praise God, despite the bittersweetness
- I found out from my mom that my sister has been asking difficult questions, such as why we have to die/suffer even though we are saved… why we have to suffer for what Adam and Eve did… It pains me to know that I don’t call her or pray with her enough, and am not the involved older sister that I could be were I to be at home right now
- My mom also shared that my sister often rebels against her, doesn’t listen to her when she tells her to do her homework, take a shower, go to bed, etc. because my sis is angry at God- It is hard to see God’s presence in my family, especially because so much of what we have been dealing in the past is still evident

A glimpse of the Luke study that took place on 11.02.06:
- What is there to be learned about Christ’s baptism, geneology, temptations?
- How do we deal with temptation? What is our ministry and our households marked by, when we look soberly at these?
- Jesus refuted cultural expectations of him as the Messiah
- We took a look at Jesus, the Messiah, according to Satan/the World (what we daily battle against) and according to Jesus Himself

Two Sunday afternoons of racial reconciliation training with second year interns and SP staff
- Theological study or practice - which comes first? Everyone has a theology of racial reconciliation. The way we live reveals our theology… the way we perceive may be something different
- Through different Old and New Testament passages that we studied together, these questions and thoughts arose:
· Christ’s power unites all peoples, beyond racial, cultural, socioeconomical barriers.
· How much of our spirituality in the church has to do with us being with people who understand us, won’t take what we say in the wrong way, won’t exclude us, the worship style we’re comfortable with?
· Scripture shows how God called His people to be displaced and how Christ Himself constantly chose displacement, to the point of death on the cross as one of us
· Do we intentionally build relationships with people of many different cultures? Are we willing to understand cultural, historical sins, and racial dynamics, of both other cultures and our own?
· Live by a drive to understand instead of a drive to be understood.
· God may be calling us to be peacemakers in our neighborhoods between different ethnic groups, but we can’t be peacemakers unless we understand and love people for every part of who God designed them to be. This takes commitment and work, and the leading of the Holy Spirit
- Exercise: real-life mapping of a community in Thailand and South L.A.
· We were split into two groups and given descriptions of a community in Thailand and one in South L.A. (the neighborhood around the local, multi-ethnic church, Church of the Redeemer, that the Servant Partners internship director preaches at) and given the task of figuring out where our team members would live, and what type of ministry to begin in these neighborhoods based on demographics, such as racial makeup, existing tensions, economic wealth of certain people groups, racial segregation, values (such as the Thai value of saving face, eating together, fun, relaxation.. beliefs such as Buddhism, animism, ancestor worship); existence of prostitution, adultery, drugs, alcoholism, lack of jobs, etc. We had to think of possible issues, funding needs, etc.
· This is something I learned about hypothetically in religion classes during college, so it’s crazy to be able to witness the fruit of this process both during my time in Manila, and also through Servant Partners.
· Despite this internship only lasting for two years, we must have faith that the presence of the Holy Spirit through our community in our neighborhoods is plenty of time for His kingdom to come, both in our neighborhoods and in our lives.

Devotionals
- Each first year intern was assigned to give a 10 minute devotional every Sunday beginning in October. The purpose of this is to prepare us to be people who are ready to share Scripture and about what God’s doing in our lives at any moment, and to prepare us for the 20 minute sermon that we’ll each be giving sometime at the end of our first year of this internship.
- Common themes among the devotionals that have been given: * Persevere.. starting is easy, but it’s following through that is hard. It’s easy to talk about incarnational living and serving a poor community with our lives but another thing to live it and feel the pain of not being the people of faith we’re supposed to be. It is hard to actively be a community, and not just settle for doing this internship and living together. Persevere in confessing our sins to each other so that we will help each other to keep going. * This is a time of figuring out our identity, God’s work in us, which parts of us are rooted in Christ and are not rooted in Christ. * Fighting the feeling of being a burden by asking for help (prayer, advice that’s hard to receive, etc.); fighting the fear of being known for who we really are and the risk of feeling rejected* Embracing our neediness for Jesus and each other* Feeling overwhelmed, isolated, misunderstood* Dealing with old struggles in a new context * Our need to be significant, needed… taking on the burdens of the world as well as our own* It is God’s grace to us that we’re even doing this internship

Church visits (mixed ethnic congregations)
- St. Agatha Catholic (http://www.archdiocese.la/directories/parishes/info.php?parish_id=65)
* This was the first mass that I’ve attended
* I was surprised by the upbeat worship, complete with a trombone in the mix
* It was interesting to see how meticulously planned the prayers and songs are, down to the specific ones meant to be uttered that particular day

- Church of the Redeemer
* local, multi-ethnic South L.A. church that meets in an elementary school cafeteria a few blocks away from where I live (I went for the first time during interview weekend back in March), where Kevin Blue, the internship director, preaches
* I also felt very welcome here
* songs are in both English and Spanish
* I will be praying about being a part of this church body after the church visitations are over, because I’ll have the chance to get to know people outside of Servant Partners who live in South L.A., and get to know people of different cultures

- Pasadena Church of God (http://www.pasadenachurch.com/)
*This is where Brad, the SP full time staff leader who oversees the Pasadena side of SP, preaches
* I felt totally welcome there
* Through the way that the people worshipped God through song, I sensed many burdens, but genuine praise of Jesus Christ despite the heaviness
* People were encouraged to freely worship and pray to God in whichever posture they were led to during an extended time of worship before Pastor Kerwin began preaching
* Sermon was from Genesis 18, about Lot, who represents us, the average church-goer and Sodom, the cities that we live in. Lot was righteous, yet selfish, like we are. Sodom, like Los Angeles and every city, was rampant with sin
* Questions: are we living for the city that God has placed us in? Will I only care about the salvation of those in Los Angeles as a whole, South L.A., Pasadena, etc. if it directly has to do with my family, future children, loved ones? Do I desire God’s presence in my city? Pastor Kerwin said, “People are dying and going to hell and the church doesn’t give a damn.” Then he said that some of us in the congregation are more concerned that he said the word “damn” than the part about people dying and going to hell. Sins of Sodom that are evident in Los Angeles and which we must intercede for breakthrough: pride, gluttony/habitual greed/gratifying ourselves in the land of abundance, idleness, oppression

Thanksgiving potluck (early) with Church of the Redeemer brothers & sisters
- I was uncomfortable at first to be at someone’s home and not know most of the people, particularly since most of the people there were Hispanic
- Pastor Danny warmly welcomed Jen, Molly, and me, and encouraged all of us present to speak with those we don’t know well, rather than staying in our pods
- We joined hands in prayer with brothers and sisters of different ethnicities
- The person to my right was a wonderful woman a year older than me named Sandra. I got to ask her many questions about her life, her culture (she’s Guatamalan), and vice versa… which blessed me deeply. I also got to meet two of her cousins, and her aunt. I truly hope to get to know Sandra better.
- Donna, Pastor Danny’s wife, who is Slovakian, sat next to me and I was honored and blessed to be able to engage in such natural conversation with her. I found out about how God called the two of them through the Covenant denomination from another state to come to Los Angeles to plant Church of the Redeemer. Their multiracial marriage and family (three children) is beautiful! It was beautiful to hear her speak of learning to worship in a different way in the context of a multi-ethnic congregation, and how she learned to enjoy Spanish songs, though she doesn’t speak Spanish.
- I am excited about the possibility of being a part of the Redeemer church!

Pray for…

- My family…
* restoration
* continual healing in our relationships with each other; healing in my parents’ marriage
* that the Holy Spirit will give my parents, particularly my mom, wisdom, patience, love, in the ways that they guide/teach Lydia and my brother
* that God will fulfill His promise to us of doing something greater in this family without my physical presence than He would if I were to be living there right now

- My household…
* Jen’s extended period of waiting before she begins her job
* Casey to find another part-time job
* Molly to find a permanent full time job for when her temp one ends in December

- My intern class…
* That God will grow us deeper in unity as households and an intern class
* That God will give us bigger hearts for our neighbors, and lead us to those whom He wants us to know
* Convict us to continually confess our sins to each other, and pray together
* Protection, both physical and spiritual

- Servant Partners…
* Continual protection and leading of the Holy Spirit over the ministry overseas and in Los Angeles
* Wisdom, protection, strength for the full time staff, particularly Kevin Blue, his wife, their son, and Brad, his wife, and their two children

- Me…
* To be filled by the presence, love, grace of God daily – war is constantly being waged on my mind and heart, and I have been wearily fighting
* Wisdom regarding whether this job is the best place for me to be right now
* Strength to persevere, and to love
* That I would let go of the things that I need to let go of in order to live a focused and simple life
* Rest